Cry Like You're Alive
by GeronimoJoe
Summary: ***TRIGGER WARNING FOR R*PE After Buck is the victim of a violent crime, he is left broken and unable to cope. Chimney and Athena struggle with helping him while they try to keep the secret from the rest of Buck's crew; until all is revealed and Buck must learn to live with his past, aided by his friends and family.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello everyone! I've seen a depressing absence of Buck Whump fanfiction so I made this account to satisfy my needs (among other reasons). It was in the summary, and it'll be in the text as well, but here's another ****TRIGGER WARNING: for R*pe.** **Please be forewarned of that, it's not incredibly graphic but it is very apparent and will be the premise of this fic. **

**Please favorite, follow, and most of all ****review****\- we authors thrive on that! Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoy!**

**-Joe**

Friday:

"Ok, well that's just ridiculous." Buck said with a laugh, gesturing with a fry between Chimney and his sister. "You guys haven't even been together that long, you can't seriously be thinking of moving in!"

"Oh, hold on, who said anything about moving in?" Maddie asked.

"He did!" Buck exclaimed.

Chimney held his hands up in mock surrender, "I did not, I said that I should drive Maddie home and stay the night with her so I can drive her to work in the morning since her car is being repaired."

"Yeah well, one thing leads to another." Buck said.

Maddie leaned across the table and smacked Buck on the arm, "Seriously Buck?"

Buck's eyes widened, "I meant staying more often- moving in!" He explained, feigning innocence.

Chimney shook his head but his eyes sparkled with humor, "Sure, Buck, I'd believe that out of anyone but you."

"It's true!" Buck protested, "Trust me, I don't want to think of you doing anything with my sister!"

Chimney laughed while Maddie said, "Yes, well I'm glad you warmed to the idea."

"Besides," Chimney said, "you'll have the house to yourself tonight, so we both win."

"Fine, but I'm keeping an eye on you." Buck said with mock severity.

"Buck!" Maddie scoffed, "Can we please try to remember which one of us is the older sibling here? You do not need to look after me!"

"Yeah, yeah, sure." Buck replied, "You kids have fun." Maddie rolled her eyes.

"You too." Chimney said before flicking his eyes back pointedly to someone behind Buck.

Buck glances around then looked back at the two, confused. "What?" He asked.

"The girl back there?" Chimney said.

"She's been eyeing you for a little while." Maddie added, "Why don't you go say 'hi'?"

Buck smiled and ducked his head down, shaking it. "No, I'm-I'm good, thanks."

"Come on, Buck," Chimney said, "you deserve a little fun."

Buck shook his head again, still smiling, "I'm fine, really."

"I know you're still upset over Abby, but this would do you some good." Maddie pushed.

Buck looked at her, annoyance on his face, "I'm not upset over Abby."

"Sure, man." Chimney said disbelievingly, "Just go talk to her, before she comes over here."

Buck scoffed but pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. "Fine," he said, "just don't leave without me." After assurances from the other two, he steeled himself and put on a smile as he walked towards the beautiful woman.

Chimney glanced at Maddie, "What are the odds they go home together?"

Maddie shot him a disapproving look, "He really has been trying to change."

"I know." Chimney said, "But people don't change that quick."

Maddie laughed and looked to the side, "Karaoke?" She asked.

Chimney smiled back at her, "Sounds good to me."

Buck slid into a chair next to the woman as she smiled at him. He smiled back, "So what are you doing up here?" He asked, "Joint like this doesn't get many people that look like you."

"I'm here for the scenery." She said coyly, looking Buck up and down, "I generally like what I see." She singled to the bartender who slid a copy of what the woman was drinking in front of Buck.

He smiled and lifted the glass, "Here's hoping I fit into that generality." He said.

She tapped her glass to his own, "You most certainly do." They both to a long sip and when she set her glass down, she said, "I'm Ava, it's nice to meet you."

Buck extended his hand, "Buck."  
Ava shook the offered hand and smiled up at him, "That's an interesting name."

"It's a nickname." Buck explained, "Guys at the fire hall gave it to me."

Ava's eyes widened, "You're a firefighter?"

Buck nodded, "Yep, work at the 118."

Ava grinned, "I thought you were a cop at first, but a firefighter is much better."

"And why's that?" Buck asked.

The corner of her mouth lifted up in a coy smile, "You're hotter."

Buck smiled back, "Fair enough."

"So who were your friends over there?" Ava asked, "They firefighters too?"

"One of them is." Buck said, "The other one's my sister."

Ava nodded, "You planning on going home with them tonight?"

Buck glanced away to hide an uncomfortable smile, "That was the plan."

"Can I change that?" Ava asked, she placed her hand on the inside of Bucks leg, a few inches above his knee.

Buck glanced down and moved his leg so that her hand fell away. "I'm sorry." He said, honestly, "I've been trying to change, l can't do this."

Ava pulled her hand back as if she'd been burned. "I'm sorry." She said quickly, "I didn't mean- I'm sorry, can we start over?" She smiled sweetly at Buck.

Buck felt himself smile back, "Yeah, sure we can."

"Thanks, Buck." Ava said, sounding sincere, "I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's alright." Buck said with a shake of his head, "Normally this would be fine but..."

"You're trying to change." Ana finished. "That's admirable."

Buck chuckled, "Thanks."

Ava glanced behind him and said, "Hey, aren't those the guys you were eating with?"

Buck turned around to look where Ava was directing to. Chimney and Maddie were standing on the stage singing, but it was too loud near the bar to hear them. "Uh, yeah they are." Buck said as he turned back around to face Ava.

"They're good." She commented, "Are you?"

Buck shook his head, "No, no I am not." He replied, "Trust me, you would not like to hear me sing."

"Well I guess I'll drink to that luck tonight." Ava said.

Buck laughed, "Ouch, so you're gonna be like that, huh?"

Ava smiled back and laughed with him, "Guess so. You _are_ the one who started it though." She took a long sip from her glass and Buck matched her. "So where are you from?" Ava asked.

They continued to go back and forth for a little while while the night went along around them. As the minutes ticked by, Buck relaxed more and more into the conversation.

"Are you feeling alright?" Ava asked sweetly.

Buck ran a hand over his forehead which was quickly gathering sweat, "Fine." He replied, "It's just hot in here."

Ava nodded, "I know, it doesn't get that cold in LA, there's no reason to have anything other than AC on in the summer."

"Agreed." Buck said with a loose laugh as he slouched against the counter.

Ava touched his arm, and despite Buck's earlier protests he felt himself lean into her touch. His arm burned where her fingertips ghosted upon it, though it wasn't anywhere close to unpleasant. "What do you say we get out of here, go grab some food to match the drinks?"

"They have food here." Buck replied destractly.

"Yeah, but I know a great place right around the corner." Ava countered.

"Are you good to drive?" Buck asked.

Ava winked, "How about I call a cab?"

Buck nodded, "Just give me a sec, I'll text my friends and tell them they can head out without me."

Ava smiled broadly, "Sounds good to me."

Buck shot Maddie a quick text, and one to Chimney as well in case her phone was dead, then grinned at Ava and helped her up, though he leaned on her as much as she did on him. He was glad they were taking a cab, he felt just past tipsy, and if he found it strange because he'd barely had three low-level drinks, it didn't seem to bother him. They made their way down the bar to the back hallway. Buck blinked heavily and gave his head a small shake as a wave of dizziness hit him.

"Are you okay?" Ava asked.

"Fine." Buck replied with a laugh, "Guess I might have had a bit much to drink."

Ava laughed as well, but she looked at him intently. "Me too, that's why we're getting the cab."

Buck took a step forward and his vision shifted. He stumbled and backed into the wall, leaning against it as he tried to breathe through the dizziness that wracked his body. He felt more exhausted than he had in a long time and his body felt weak as if he could just drop to the floor. His breath shook as he alternated from feeling fear grip his brain before a foggy calm swept in. Ava leaned down over him as Buck gasped, "I think I gotta go find my friend." He said.

Ava grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the wall. She slid her shoulder under his arm so that she was supporting him and started walking towards the exit. To avoid falling to the ground, Buck had to walk with her.

Buck shook his head, "No, no, we gotta go the other way."

"It's fine." Ava replied, "You just had a bit much to drink." She pushed her way through the door and brought Buck into the back parking lot. There were only a few cars in the dimly lit area, one of them her's. Buck tried to pull away and promptly sunk to the ground. He felt it difficult to reach for his thoughts, and as hard as he tried, he couldn't get his legs to work to get himself off the ground. Suddenly Ava's hands were on him again and he was stumbling into the back of a van and the doors were slamming shut behind him.

Buck tried to move, he tried desperately but his body wasn't cooperating. He felt like a fish on the ground as he fought the inevitable, his hands shaking and his breath somehow both ragged and continuously slowing as the drug dragged him down more. He found himself hopping endlessly for someone to come, for someone to just find him. He didn't care who it was.

_** I generally don't like to interrupt the flow of a story with author's notes but this is the last warning before a particularly bad scene. Please, if this will trigger you, do not read this. TW FOR R*PE**_

Ava leaned on top of him and pressed her lips to his. She slid her hands down to his belt, deft hands removing it. The second her mouth left his, Buck opened his mouth to shout, his pride already having been taken from him. Just trying to open his mouth sapped his already faded strength. Ava slapped her hands over his mouth as Buck managed to let out a weak moan. She leaned down, her lips so close to Buck's head that he could feel her breath, and whispered in his ear. "Calm down." She murmured, "Just a few more seconds. I know you want it, I could see the way you were looking at me. Boys like you don't change- I'm just helping you realize that. Don't worry, no one will hear us."

Buck's eyes slid shut and Ava pulled her hands away. He could feel her hands on him, then her mouth. He pried his eyes open, silently begging her to stop. Each time his eyes closed he felt like minutes had gone by. Scenes came to him in bursts as she continued using him. Her body was on him now, and her hands were on his chest as she forced him into her. Hot tears slid down Buck's face but he could do nothing to pull away. He sunk further into the ground, wishing for it to just be over. He didn't care how it happened, he just wanted everything to end. He stopped opening his eyes, stopped trying to fight. He tried to think of anything else, anything other than the way it felt being inside of her.

He trembled slightly under her and she moaned. "God, you feel good." She whispered, tossing her head back. "I knew you wanted it."

If Buck had any energy left, he thought he would have sobbed. She finished with him and returned her hands to his face. She brushed the hair away from his eyes and wiped the tears away from his face. She ran a finger absentmindedly over the scar on his brow.

"Such a good boy." She whispered. She took one last kiss from his lips before pulling back and redoing his pants and belt. She opened the doors to the van and grabbed his feet. With a grunt, she pulled him out of the van and let his body fall limply to the ground. She closed the door and walked around the driver's seat without another look at him. Seconds later the car was gone. Buck was sure he looked dead, he felt like it, and wished for it. He lay there, and finally, welcomed unconsciousness took him.

Buck woke up to someone prodding him on the shoulder. He flinched away without opening his eyes. "Just leave me, please." He whispered. He knew he sounded pitiful but he couldn't manage any other tone.

"Can't do that, sorry buddy." A man said, not unkindly.

Buck pried his eyes open, "Who're you?" He muttered.

"I'm the guy that owns this joint." The man replies, "And you seem to have enjoyed it well enough but we're closing and you're gonna have to leave."

"Sorry." Buck said. His mouth felt dry and his throat burned. He pushed himself up, "What time is it?"

"Almost twelve." Buck nodded silently in response. "Do you need a hand up?" The man asked.

"Thanks." Buck said as the man grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet.

"You need a ride." The man said, not phrasing it as a question. "Do you want me to call you a cab, or do you have someone else to get you?"

"A cab, please." Buck said his throat burned from the effort of talking and he resisted the urge to clear it.

The man nodded, then looked Buck up and down. "Are you alright?" He asked.

Buck glanced at the ground as his breath hitches. "Fine." He replied. "I'm fine."

The man raised his eyebrows, "Are you sure? You know I can call...someone else." He suggested pointedly.

Buck's head snapped up. "I said I'm fine!" He said harshly, "Nothing happened."

The man put his hands up in a peacekeeping gesture, "I didn't say anything happened."

Buck nodded, "Good. Okay. Um, the cab?"

The man nodded back, "Yeah, I know the ones that hang about near here. I'll call one of 'em."

"Thanks." Buck said quickly, a dismissal for the man. Once he'd vanished from Buck's sight he leaned against the fence, his body feeling weak. He tried to even out his breathing as his mind raced. "Oh God." Buck whispered as he ran a hand down his face. He closed his eyes and sunk to the ground, remaining that way until the man returned.

"Your cab's here." The man said. Buck opened his eyes and looked at him. "On the street."

Buck swallowed the lump growing in his throat, "Thanks." He said hoarsely. He staggered to his feet and made his way to the street where he slid into the backseat of the provided cab and sunk into the door.

"Where to?" The driver asked.

Buck gave him Chimney's address, knowing he wouldn't be there, and leaned further into the door as the driver took off.

Back at the bar, the owner sat down at his desk, the security camera footage pulled up for the night. He started scrolling through, keeping an eye out for a blond man.


	2. Chapter 2

Buck stumbled through the door to Chimney's house, his legs barely supporting him. He only made it as far as the couch before toppling over. He gasped and let out a shuddering breath at the feeling in his chest. It was as if everything had been scraped out of him, leaving him empty and numb. He managed to push himself off the couch and move shakily to the kitchen to grab a bottle of beer from the fridge. Without all the lights on he couldn't tell if it was his or Chimney's but he couldn't bring himself to care. He fell into the couch and ripped the cap off, barely noticing the way it tore at his fingertip at the harsh motion. The second the first drop hit his tongue, Buck lurched forward and threw up, the bottle dropping from his hands and shattering on the ground. Buck dimly thought that he was grateful Chimney didn't have carpeted floors. He slowly got up again and walked back to the kitchen for paper towels. After cleaning and disposing of the mess, Buck knelt on the ground to pick up the still-remaining pieces of glass. He stayed there on his knees, looking at the shards of glass. A small bead of blood fell from his finger and landed among the drops of beer. Buck stared down, unable to bring himself to move. He sunk further down, resting his body on his knees. His face was dangerously close to the glass shards but Buck couldn't feel enough to care. His body shook as he began to sob, the tears continuing to flow until he passed out.

Saturday:

A few hours later his alarm woke him up. Buck moved slower than usual, starting with cleaning up the glass, then bandaging his finger. He forwent his usual shower, not even bothering to brush his teeth. He ran his fingers through his hair in a measly attempt to straighten it on his way to work. His face and body showed no sign of the previous night's pain but Buck still felt hollow. He got to work on time, and situated himself on the couch with a magazine as he waited for the others. After a quiet breakfast, with Buck mostly observing the conversation happening around him, he returned to the couch. Chimney sauntered over a few minutes later, a grin on his face, and plopped down next to Buck.

"Must have had a good night last night." He joked, taking in Buck's disheveled appearance.

Buck shrugged, "Yeah, it was fine."

Chimney narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to say something but Hen beat him to it. She scooted over to be next to Buck and asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Buck replied, "Why?"

"You don't look too good." Hen commented, "And no offense but it isn't exactly the night-after look." She paused to take his appearance in, noting that he looked exhausted. "You aren't sick or anything, right?"

"No, I just had a late night." Buck assured, flashing a bright smile to prove it as he mentally resolved to act like his old self for the rest of the day.

Hen nodded, remaining unconvinced, "Alright." Buck returned to his magazine and Hen glanced behind him and caught Chimney's eye. She motioned with her head away from the couch, then got up and walked away. A second later Chimney followed her.

He jogged a few steps to catch up to Hen, "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Hold on." Hen said as she led him into the locker room. Once the door was closed, she turned to him, "Doesn't Buck seem a little...uncharacteristically quiet to you?"

Chimney glanced back to where Buck was sitting, "Yeah, I mean he's a little off but it's probably just because of Abby."

Hen groaned at the name, she really disliked the woman for how she had treated Buck. "When will the woman stop messing with his head?" She sighed, "She's halfway across the world and still ruining his day."

"He'll be fine." Chimney assured, "He just needs to get back out there."

Hen sighed, "I hope you're right, 'cus he really looks like crap."

'_She's not wrong'_ Chimney thought to himself. Before he could voice his thoughts, however, an alarm echoed through building, causing all occupants to jump to their feet. Former conversations were forgotten as firefighters reached for their gear and boarded outgoing trucks. Talking could resume once the job was done.

The rest of the day passed without a hitch to Buck's relief and by the time their shift was done he was ready to pass out at home. His plans were halted though as Sergeant Athena Grant met him at the door. "Athena." Buck said, surprised, "Uh, Bobby's still in his office, he hasn't left yet. And I think Hen's still in there too."

Athena nodded, "Thanks, Buck, but I'm actually here for you."

Buck drew his eyebrows together in confusion, "Me? I'm not in trouble, am I?"

"No, not at all." Athena assured, Buck noticed with a start that she was being far softer with him than usual.

"Is everything alright?" Buck said, beginning to feel uneasy.

"I think you know the answer to that." Athena said. Buck's breathing grew shallower as his heart rate increased with every passing second.

"Is there somewhere we could go to talk, privately?" Athena asked.

Buck bit his lip and shook his head. Suddenly all he wanted to do was get out of there. "I'm sorry, I really have to go." He said quickly.

"Buck-" Athena said, "I need you to breathe, alright." Buck shuddered but managed a deep breath, he hadn't even realized he was starting to panic. "Alright, that's good." Athena praised, "Now why don't we go somewhere else, we're starting to draw attention." Buck sighed but nodded and trailed behind Athena as she began to walk away. As they neared her car, Buck's breathing grew harsher again. He stopped dead in his tracks and Athena turned around to face him, "Do you wanna talk inside?" She asked.

"Your- your car's fine." Buck said, hating the tremble in his voice.

"Are you sure?" Athena asked, "I don't mind walking back, the exercise is good for me."

"Yeah, it's fine. I don't want to talk inside." Buck said firmly. It was Athena's turn to nod and accept, as she did, and they got into her car in silence.

Once situated, Athena turned to face him, "So." She said, waiting for Buck to take the lead.

"So." Buck repeated, glancing away to look out the window.

Athena sighed, "I got a call from Boardwalk, that karaoke bar near here? The owner said that there was something the police had to see on his security tapes. I requested to be assigned to the case, given the circumstances."

"Nothing happened." Buck said stubbornly.

"Buck," Athena said gently, "we've got video footage, we can get her."

"Why would you ask for this case?" Buck asked, changing the focus of the conversation.

"I thought you might prefer a familiar face investigating." Athena answered.

"Thanks." Buck replied quietly, "But there's nothing to investigate."

Athena knew better than to touch him, even if she wanted to to try to comfort him. "We've got her, and we can keep you out of it as much as possible. You'll have to testify, but it can be confidential, no one outside the courtroom will know."

Buck shook his head violently, "I can't."

"You can." Athena countered, "You're a firefighter for Pete's sake, you're braver than you believe."

Finally, Buck looked at her, "That's exactly why I can't do it." He hissed.

"What do you mean?" Athena asked.

"I'm a firefighter." Buck snapped, "I'm 6' 2", I trained with the frickin' SEALs- things like this don't happen to people like me. I'm not a girl, I'm not small! I-I can defend myself!"

"What if something like that happened to me?" Athena asked, "I'm not small either, and I have a gun, I can fight."

"You- you can't-" Buck stammered as he tried to describe the situation at hand.

"What if this happened to Chimney?" Athena asked, "He was there last night too."

Buck slammed his hand into the dashboard, "Just stop!" He yelled, "It's just different. It just is."

"How." Athena asked, pushing Buck to answer. "Tell me how. Tell me why you get to blame yourself when you would never blame anyone else in this situation." She kept her voice level but there was force behind every word. When Buck didn't answer she continued. "Help me help you." Athena said, "I can't make this happen without you."

Buck shook his head, stricken. "I can't." He whispered.

"Please, Buck," Athena said softly, "if you won't do this for yourself, do it for every other man, or women, that frequents that bar. She won't stop with you, and you're probably not the first either. If you step forward, you'll be amazed by everyone that will follow." She knew that would reach him. Someone like Buck, no matter the exterior, put everything he was into protecting others.

Buck let out a shuddering exhale, "Okay." He whispered, "On one condition."

"What is it?" Athena asked.

"You can't tell anyone." Buck said, raising his head again to look Athena in the eyes. "You have to promise that no one here will find out."

Athena nodded, "Alright, Buck. I would never have told them without your permission anyway, I hope you know that." Buck nodded back. "But," Athena continued, "They wouldn't judge you. I know Hen and Bobby as well as I know myself, the others less so, but I know everyone would understand. They'd be there for you. Especially your sister- she's been through some crap herself."

"I know." Buck replied, "That's why I can't tell her. She went through hell with her husband, this is nothing compared to what she went through. I can't burden her with this."

Athena locked eyes with him, her face serious, "You're not burdening anyone." She said forcefully, "And it's not nothing. It's a traumatic event that you experienced and that you have to right to talk about, to heal from."

Buck continued as if she hadn't said anything. "As for the others, I just don't want them to think I can't handle myself or anything. I've got a reputation here, ya' know." He forced a laugh at the end as if he was trying to make himself believe his own words.

"You were drugged, Buck." Athena said, "Anyone could see that it wasn't your fault, and it doesn't make you any lesser. Even if you hadn't been drugged, it wouldn't be your fault."

"I know." Buck said, but Athena could tell he was unconvinced. "I can come by tomorrow after my shift to give a statement, okay?"

"That sounds good." Athena said. Buck took the affirmation in silence. Without anything else to say, he reached for the door handle and let himself out of the car. "And Buck?" Athena called after him, "Thank you." Buck nodded once curtly and continued on his way.

Athena watched him depart, then pulled out her phone and checked her messages.

"**Guessing you had a late day.**" the message from Bobby read, "**If you get the chance, shoot me a text when you get home so I know you're safe**"

Athena chuckled at her phone, "_What did I do to deserve you?" _She thought. "**On my way now**" she texted, "**The kids aren't home tonight, how about you meet me there?**"

"**See you when you get back :)**" Bobby's reply read. Athena smiled and tucked her phone away, then started her car and headed home. She wondered what to do about the kid who deigned to take everything on his own.

Over the course of dinner Athena remained relatively silent, her mind still on her newest case. She responded to Bobby's discussion of his day, but further than that provided little input. Despite her reservations about Evan Buckley, she found herself genuinely concerned about the young man.

"...and so I thought I'd just rob the place while I was there." Bobby finished nonchalantly.

Athena shot her head up from its position of intently eyeing her salad. "What?" She exclaimed loudly.

Bobby chuckled, "I thought that would get your attention. What's on your mind? Or are my stories just more boring than your kale?"

Athena sighed and reached across the table to grasp Bobby's hand. She gave it a light squeeze and said, "Your stories are always excellent, my mind is just elsewhere right now."

"Difficult case?" Bobby asked, keeping his tone light. "'Cus I know a thing or two about those, if you want to talk."

"I can't." Athena said, "Believe me, I wish I could."

"Well when you can, I'm here." Bobby said. "I've got my own issues right now, there's something off with Buck. I caught him staring off into space more than once today, and he seemed to shy away from me when I was trying to get past him. Hen and Chimney mentioned something to me too." Athena just shook her head and looked back down. Bobby narrowed his eyes, "Athena, do you know something about this?"

Athena put her hands up and shrugged, "Don't ask me that, Bobby."

"Does he have something to do with your secret case?" Bobby asked.

"Bobby…" Athena said warningly, shaking her head as she looked away.

"Athena!" Bobby countered, "He's on my crew, if there's something going on with him I need to know!"

"And I can't say anything!" Athena said, copying Bobby's tone.

Bobby sighed and ran a tired hand down his face. "Just tell me he isn't in any trouble, please?"

Athena nodded hesitantly, "He's not being accused of anything if that's what you're worried about."

"Alright. Thank you. I won't say anything to him about this." Bobby said, "But, please, just...tell him that whatever it is, he can talk to me about it."

"He knows." Athena said comfortingly.

Bobby leaned back in his chair and picked his fork back up, slowly returning to his dinner. "Alright, if you're sure. But I'm going to find out what's going on, he's still-" He cut off abruptly, trying to find the right word to describe what Buck was to him. "Buck." He finished lamely.

"I know." Athena replied.

Buck sat alone in Chimney's guest bedroom, his room for the time. He stared at the wall, not moving except to blink. His mind was racing, not quite focusing on anything in particular. Flashes of the night assaulted him, causing Buck to physically flinch as if he could distance himself from his own mind. He could taste her on his lips, feel her on his body. He gasped as his eyes flew open, his breathing growing ragged. Buck could feel his chest tightening to the point of pain and his stomach churned. He lurched to his feet, reeling, and moved to the door, throwing it open and staggering out. He crashed into the opposing wall and shoved himself off, continuing his stumbling race to the bathroom.

"Buck?" Chimney's worried voice called out to him from the living room.

"No no no no nononono." Buck murmured, his words stringing together as his head spun. He didn't want Chimney to see him like this. He threw himself into the bathroom and fell to his knees, emptying the limited contents of his stomach into the toilet. He weakly threw a leg out, trying to kick the door closed behind him, but Chimney was there a second later to push it open. Chimney stepped over Buck's leg and dropped to the ground next to Buck, immediately taking control of the situation.

"Buck, you need to breathe." Chimney said. Buck dimly noted that he was using the same tone he used on patients. Buck's head spun to the point where he thought he might fall over despite the fact that he was sitting on the ground. His heart pounded and his stomach felt like there was a knife in his gut, twisting. "Buck. _Breathe_." Chimney's voice was louder this time, commanding. "You _need to breathe_."

"_I am breathing."_ Buck thought, but he knew he wasn't really. He was hyperventilating, his breath coming out in quick ragged bursts. He gasped, desperately trying to alleviate the feelings raging inside him.

"You're going to make yourself pass out." Chimney was saying, pure worry creeping into his voice. "Buck I need you to breathe." He reached out to grab Buck's hand, and Buck pulled it away, his eyes widening and breath hitching. He was wheezing by this point, unable to draw himself out of his head. Chimney drew his own hand back like he'd been burned. Buck was spiraling out of control, his panic drawing him deeper and deeper. Chimney was at the point where he was willing to slap Buck, despite knowing that was a terrible idea. Buck solved his own problem at that moment though as he gasped once, a painful choking sound, and his eyes rolled back in his head.

"Shit!" Chimney exclaimed. He shot forward and caught Buck, cradling his head and gently lowering him to the ground. "What the hell!" He gasped. Thankfully, Buck's body was correcting whatever his brain had been making it do, now that he was passed out. His breathing returned to a normal speed and volume, and two fingers to Buck's neck told Chimney that his heart rate was going back down as well. Regaining his composure, he shook Buck gently by the shoulder. "Come on, man." Chimney murmured, "Don't make me call 911 on you, that'll be embarrassing for both of us." When Buck didn't respond Chimney's worry grew tenfold. He shook Buck again, and loudly called the younger man's name. Changing tactics, he tapped Buck's cheek lightly. "Buck." He called again sternly, "Buck, you need to open your eyes." Chimney let out a sigh of relief as Buck slowly started to comply. He groaned softly, and began to crack his eyes open.

"Wha'?" He mumbled incoherently. He forced his eyes open and saw Chimney leaning over him. Immediately he tried to scramble backwards from the man, his breath spiking again. Chimney shot back himself and put his arms up to show he meant to harm as he tried to give Buck as much space as possible.

"Don't do that again." Chimney commanded, "Slow your breathing, come on, follow me." He took slow, deep breaths, coaching Buck to do the same. Buck hesitantly followed Chimney's lead, and after a few rounds was able to lean back against the wall, breathing heavily, but slowly.

Chimney leaned back as well, sighing again. "You want to tell me what the hell that was?" He asked. Buck turned his head away, staring intently at the floor. "Buck." Chimney said softly, "Look at me, what's going on?"

"Nothing." Buck replied quietly with a shake of his head.

"That wasn't nothing, man."

"I'm fine." Buck said curtly, shoving himself to his feet.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there, you just passed out!" Chimney exclaimed, jumping up.

"I'm fine." Buck repeated. "I need to take a shower."

"Man, come on, what's going on?" Chimney said, "You freaking passed out from a panic attack!"

"It wasn't a panic attack!" Buck snarled, suddenly on the defense.

"No?" Chimney asked.

"_No_."

"Alright. Take a shower, but I'm staying outside the door." Chimney's tone left no room for argument but Buck tried anyway.

"Chim-" Buck started to protest.

"Evan Buckley, if you even try to get out of this after puking and passing out I swear to God…" He let the threat drift off, his point made.

"Fine." Buck snapped.

Chimney nodded, satisfied. "I'll leave you to it, but I'll be just outside the door if you need anything." Buck didn't respond, so Chimney let himself out, closing the door behind him. A few seconds later he heard the toilet flush, then the shower start. "What the _hell._" He whispered to himself as he pulled out his phone and quickly called Maddie.

She picked up on the third ring, "Hey Chim!"

"Hey, Maddie." Chimney replied.

"Is everything alright?" Maddie asked, "You sound off."

"Yeah…" Chimney rubbed the back of his neck, uncomfortable as he began to pace outside the bathroom. "No, not really. Have you talked to Buck today? Or last night after we left?"

Maddie paused for a moment, thinking. "No, I haven't. What's going on, is he okay?"

"He had a panic attack." Chimney sighed, "And Maddie, it was really bad. I couldn't get him to calm down and he passed out. He didn't hit his head or anything, and he seems okay now but…" He sighed again. "Maddie, he wouldn't let me touch him. He completely freaked out. I have no idea what's going on, but I think something happened to him."

"Like what?" Maddie's voice was quiet, forcibly controlled.

"I don't know. Nothing good." Chimney replied.

"Should I come over?" Maddie asked. "I can be there in like ten minutes."

"No, no, I've got it handled. I don't think more people is what he needs right now." Chimney said, "But I'll keep you updated."

"Okay." Maddie said, sounding upset, "Thanks, Chimney."

"Of course." Chimney said. "I'll text you an update later."

"Wait!" Maddie exclaimed quickly before he could hang up. "Keep an eye on him, please?"

"You know I will." Chimney promised.

"Thank you." Maddie said sincerely. "Bye, Chimney."

"Bye."

The bathroom door opened quickly and Buck leaned against the doorway. "So you called my big sister on me? Low blow, man."

Chimey turned around in surprise, he was so focused on what he was going to do about Buck that he hadn't heard the man turn the shower off. "I had to do something." Chimney said, "And you gotta talk to me, or someone at least. Whatever's going on in your head needs to be dealt with."

"Thanks." Buck said dryly. He stepped out of the bathroom, fully clothed, and walked past Chimney, headed for the kitchen. Chimney growled under his breath and followed. Buck went straight to the fridge and grabbed a beer. When he set it on the counter to grab a bottle opener, Chimney snatched it up. "Really?" Buck asked when he turned back around, the opener in his hand. "You know there's like five more of those in the fridge, right?"

Chimney set the bottle back down with a thunk, but didn't remove his hand from the top. "Talk to me, Buck." He said.

Buck rolled his eyes and turned around, shaking his head as he retrieved another bottle of beer. "Seriously man, I said I was fine. What else is there to talk about?"

"You _passed out_ from a panic attack. The only call we had today was a kid stuck in a swing set, so it wasn't that, so what was it?" Chimney replied. "Something happened last night, _what_?"

Buck's breath hitched and he wrenched the cap off the bottle, foam spilling over his hand without so much as a glance. He pressed the bottle to his lips and downed it, taking in half the contents before taking another breath. "I don't want to talk about it." He snapped. He turned back around and opened the fridge again, this time removing the cardboard six pack with four remaining bottles. He drained the rest of the bottle in his hand and placed it on the counter next to the rest of the empties, the force of his movements making a loud thud. Buck strode past Chimney, snatching the last bottle of his beer from his hand as he went.

Chimney glanced between his now-empty hand and Buck's retreating back. "Jesus Christ!" He hurried after Buck, catching up to him just as the man reached his bedroom door. He nearly reached out to grab Buck's elbow, but changed his mind at the last second. "Buck!" He yelled. The younger man turned to look at him and he continued, "You can't just drink your problems away!"

"Why not?" Buck asked. "We don't have work tomorrow." He stepped through the doorway and slammed the door behind him, leaving Chimney in stunned silence.

"Right." Chimney said to himself. "Totally fine." He shook his head and walked back to his living room. He sat down heavily, thoroughly confused about the entire situation and even more worried. He absent mindedly turned on the first movie that caught his eye and promised himself that when it was over he'd go check on Buck.

Buck sat heavily on his bed, staring at the case of beer in his hands. The alcohol felt vile in his stomach, but he was desperate for any moment of mindlessness he could get. He popped the cap off the next bottle and chugged its contents, trying not to think about the taste, but relishing the burn as it slid down his throat. As he started on his third bottle, he felt warm tears begin to slide down his face. He ignored them, focusing instead on the warm feeling that was gathering in his stomach. "_Ava._" The name whispered itself, resounding in his mind. Buck stifled a sob and moved onto the next bottle. "_Ava._" Buck gasped, drinking faster. He could feel her hands on him again. He chugged down another mouthful of the bitter drink. "_Ava_." Buck ripped the bottle away from his mouth, choking. "_I know you want it._" The bottle slipped from his loose fingers, falling to the ground. It thankfully only had a sip or two left in it. The next bottle took the voices away. Buck could barely feel himself reach for the sixth. His movements clumsy from exhaustion and drink. His body felt warm, not her warmth, but seperate. Drink creating distance between his memories and his mind. Beer dripped down his chin as his hand shook. Buck polished the last mouthful off and let the bottle drop to the ground alongside the other. His head bobbed, a stupid grin spreading across his face as he chuckled. "Gone now, ar'nt yo'" He slurred, amusing himself.

Chimney had intended to wait for the movie to end before checking on his friend, but after hearing a few dull thuds from Buck's room, and now hearing him mumble to himself, he decided it was time now. He knocked gently on Buck's door before cracking it open. Buck shoved himself to his feet and staggered to Chimney, his feet wobbling and threatening to collapse under him. He titled dangerously and Chimney moved quickly to catch his arm and steady him. This time Buck was too drunk to care about Chimney touching him.

Buck lifted his head up and gave Chimney a lopsided grin, "See? To'd you I wass f'ne." He slurred, patting Chimney on the shoulder languidly. He weakly tried to push past Chimney to exit the room but Chimney grabbed his other shoulder and gently pushed him back into the room.

"Yeah, totally fine." Chimney said. "Jesus Christ, Buck."

"But I wan' more." Buck mumbled, sounding much younger.

"No." Chimney said quickly, "No more, you've had more than enough."

"Oh com'on, Chim, have a lil' fun." Buck replied, trying again to get past Chimney.

"No." Chimney said again, more firmly. "No, you're done. You gotta go lie down." Buck rolled his eyes, his head bobbing and pushed against him again. "Buck!" Chimney exclaimed, pushing him backwards until he hit the bed and was forced to collapse on it. "Absolutely not. You are way passed drunk. I don't know what the hell happened to you but you're seriously freaking me out here!"

"'M fine." Buck said flippantly, waving a hand for emphasis before it flopped ungracefully back to the bed.

Chimney took a deep breath and pushed down what he wanted to say. "Go to bed." He ordered.

"Wha' are you, my mom?" Buck pouted.

"Yeah, well you could use one right now." Chimney retorted. Buck laughed out loud, the sound almost frightening. Chimney shook his head, "I'll call Bobby." He threatened. "Whatever's going on with you, I'll make him come over here and handle it."

That got Buck's attention. "No!" He exclaimed, but the ferocity of his own exclamation made him laugh again.

Chimney ran a hand through his hair again, "How about Maddie then, or Hen? Or how about _Eddie_? You wanna make a fool of yourself, you can do it in front of them too." Chimney knew he was being cruel, but he was confused and more than that he was scared, though he'd never admit it. He didn't know how to handle what was happening, and what Buck was doing terrified him. All he could think of was Kenny, and how he couldn't save him, and he knew that he couldn't go through that again. He felt like he was watching Buck spiral down all at once. He knew that it could just be a bad night, but something in the way Buck was acting made him think otherwise. Chimney worried that if he didn't get through to him soon, he'd lose Buck completely.

"Don't." Buck gasped, "Please."

"You're making this really hard, kid." Chimney murmured. "I'm just trying to help you."

"She wouldn't leave me alone." Buck said in a near-whisper, the clarity of his words shocking.

Chimney felt his heart clench. "What do you mean, 'she wouldn't leave you alone'?" He asked in an equally quiet tone. Buck looked away, and Chimney leaned in the same direction to make Buck look at him again. "What did you mean by that?" He repeated. "It's okay, you can tell me."

"I tr'd to make 'er stop." Buck mumbled, his voice slurring once again. "I coud'nt think. She made me."

"What did she make you do?" Chimney knew the answer, but he had to hear it. He hated the way he had to keep his voice from shaking as he asked the question.

Buck locked eyes with Chimney, every word filled with strength. "I didn't want to." He said it like it was the only thing in the world that mattered.

"I believe you." Chimney said softly. "You hear me, Buck? I believe you."

"I didn't wan' to." Buck mumbled again.

Chimney nodded, "I know. I know, Buck."

"I coud'nt move. She...she did som'ting."

"I know. It's alright It's going to be alright." Chimney moved closer hesitantly, waiting to see if Buck would pull away. He didn't, and Chimney slowly sat down next to him and let Buck fall against his shoulder. He broke into sobs, choking and panting as he leaned against Chimney. Chimney felt tears slide silent down his own cheeks, unable to process what he'd just heard. He gently wrapped an arm around Buck's shoulders, and stayed that way for what felt like hours. As time passed, Buck's sobs faded into nothing and he sunk further against Chimney, exhaustion finally claiming him. Chimney lifted him up gently and laid him back on the bed. He slid down off the bed and sat on the floor, roughly wiping the remnants of his tears from his face. He pulled his knees into his chest and let his head hang down, defeated. "Oh God." He whispered.


End file.
